Whether you can bid or not, we would appreciate it if you would share our page. Many shares add up quickly. As always, we are grateful and humbled for all the encouragement and concern for our family.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Auction Time!
Good Evening blog followers! I would like to invite you all to our Facebook page "Caring for Carolina." We are in the midst of our first auction to help us raise the funds we need to travel. Come on over and check us out HERE
Whether you can bid or not, we would appreciate it if you would share our page. Many shares add up quickly. As always, we are grateful and humbled for all the encouragement and concern for our family.
Whether you can bid or not, we would appreciate it if you would share our page. Many shares add up quickly. As always, we are grateful and humbled for all the encouragement and concern for our family.
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Shameless advertising!
Did you get an Amazon gift certificate this Christmas season? If so, CLICK HERE to see some amazing year end deals! And the best part, if you go to Amazon through this link, we get a small percentage of the sale for our adoption. You get to buy whatever you want and help Carolina come home without doing anything extra. Now that's a great deal!
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Merry Christmas...
My husband's family has a tradition of Santa Clause. I know, most people in the U.S. do, but this is a little bit different. It all started with my husband's grandfather, Fred. Fred was a young boy during the Great Depression. People were struggling everywhere and his family was no exception. In fact, they had lost their farm and been forced to live in a neighbor's chicken coop, which they built into a small shack of a house. It was a very ugly year. Fred's father would forage for food so that he didn't take any of the meager meals from his family. He spent his days working wherever he could find work, leaving his wife to build the house. It had no windows, and a leaky roof. The children would wake up to find the blankets frozen to the beds.
Fred's father did some farming work for a man who noticed he never brought lunch. This kind boss sent him home with a bag of flour, realizing they probably had no food. The large family was overcome with gratitude. The young kids were so hungry, they tried to eat the flour raw.
One day, Santa Clause came to town and all the children went to the fire station to see him. As they were standing in line, Fred's older brother told him, "Now you be sure to save whatever treat Santa gives you because that will be the only Christmas we have this year." Someone overheard this. They knew the situation this family was in and they felt moved to help.
That night was Christmas Eve, and of course, a blizzard rolled in. The children were getting ready for bed after singing hymns of the Savior's birth. Great Grandpa proclaimed, "Well, kids, I think Santa must have forgotten us this year." Then there was a knock at the door. When the door was opened, there stood Santa Clause. Santa had arrived not in a sleigh, but in a pick up truck filled with food....which was stuck in the snow. Santa had been trying to get out the farm all afternoon and had hiked the last mile or so with the sack of provisions and a few toys on his back. The family was overjoyed. Their children had been trying to eat raw flour, they were so hungry....truly Santa brought with him a Christmas miracle. Literally, their Bread of Life.
In honor of that Christmas miracle, Fred dressed up as Santa every year for his 13 children, and the story was retold. It was a sweet tradition that reminded everyone of the year when Santa had been a godsend. Fred's children grew into adults. One of them is my husband's father, Brent. Each year, when they heard the bells, all the kids would hurry into their beds and do their best to look "asleep." Santa would come and bring oranges and promise to return when everyone was really asleep. Now Brent's children are grown with children of their own. Each of them carries on the Santa tradition. On Christmas Eve, I will take the kids upstairs and tuck them in bed, while my husband slips away. Then we will hear it...the bells. "Quick! Turn out the lights! Santa is coming!" Then up the stairs he comes as the kids try to contain their excitement and pretend to be asleep. "Ho!Ho!Ho!" he says. He visits each child and gives them an orange or a candy cane and then he leaves promising to return when everyone is asleep. At that point I flip on the lights and the little ones squeal with delight that they have just seen Santa. It's very real for them. I manage to distract them just long enough for hubby to make a mad dash to change his clothes and then come out of the bathroom or somewhere else wondering what he "missed."
It's a fun tradition that we hope our children will carry into their families. One act of kindness can have an impact greater than anyone could ever expect. At last count, Fred had 15 children (13 living), 86 grand childrent and 170 great grandchildren (our little Ethan is #170) that are all being taught this story of love and charity. I wonder if "Santa" ever knew what an impact his act of charity and love had on this family?
We would like to wish all of our readers a very Merry Christmas!
Fred's father did some farming work for a man who noticed he never brought lunch. This kind boss sent him home with a bag of flour, realizing they probably had no food. The large family was overcome with gratitude. The young kids were so hungry, they tried to eat the flour raw.
One day, Santa Clause came to town and all the children went to the fire station to see him. As they were standing in line, Fred's older brother told him, "Now you be sure to save whatever treat Santa gives you because that will be the only Christmas we have this year." Someone overheard this. They knew the situation this family was in and they felt moved to help.
That night was Christmas Eve, and of course, a blizzard rolled in. The children were getting ready for bed after singing hymns of the Savior's birth. Great Grandpa proclaimed, "Well, kids, I think Santa must have forgotten us this year." Then there was a knock at the door. When the door was opened, there stood Santa Clause. Santa had arrived not in a sleigh, but in a pick up truck filled with food....which was stuck in the snow. Santa had been trying to get out the farm all afternoon and had hiked the last mile or so with the sack of provisions and a few toys on his back. The family was overjoyed. Their children had been trying to eat raw flour, they were so hungry....truly Santa brought with him a Christmas miracle. Literally, their Bread of Life.
In honor of that Christmas miracle, Fred dressed up as Santa every year for his 13 children, and the story was retold. It was a sweet tradition that reminded everyone of the year when Santa had been a godsend. Fred's children grew into adults. One of them is my husband's father, Brent. Each year, when they heard the bells, all the kids would hurry into their beds and do their best to look "asleep." Santa would come and bring oranges and promise to return when everyone was really asleep. Now Brent's children are grown with children of their own. Each of them carries on the Santa tradition. On Christmas Eve, I will take the kids upstairs and tuck them in bed, while my husband slips away. Then we will hear it...the bells. "Quick! Turn out the lights! Santa is coming!" Then up the stairs he comes as the kids try to contain their excitement and pretend to be asleep. "Ho!Ho!Ho!" he says. He visits each child and gives them an orange or a candy cane and then he leaves promising to return when everyone is asleep. At that point I flip on the lights and the little ones squeal with delight that they have just seen Santa. It's very real for them. I manage to distract them just long enough for hubby to make a mad dash to change his clothes and then come out of the bathroom or somewhere else wondering what he "missed."
It's a fun tradition that we hope our children will carry into their families. One act of kindness can have an impact greater than anyone could ever expect. At last count, Fred had 15 children (13 living), 86 grand childrent and 170 great grandchildren (our little Ethan is #170) that are all being taught this story of love and charity. I wonder if "Santa" ever knew what an impact his act of charity and love had on this family?
Saturday, December 8, 2012
What we know...
I have been asked by several people for more information on Carolina. I am sure it seems strange, but I actually don't have much information on her. In her country, information is not shared with adoptive parents prior to their arrival. This is done to protect the privacy of the children and their families as many children listed in Eastern European orphanages are not available to be adopted. Many also age out of the system (usually at age 16) and have enough discrimination against them without people being able to look up their names and pictures on the internet and find out they were raised in institutions. The "orphan status" is often a source of discrimination against these kids when they grow up and try to find jobs. The government does photo list the children available for adoption (though it is hardly a comprehensive list as many regions do not update the database). Some adoption agencies and advocacy groups get special permission from the government to list *certain* children who have disabilities and/or need urgent medical care. This is how many American families find these children. Often, families who have traveled to a particular region will get to see other children who are available for adoption and can give personal accounts of the children's personalities to potential adoptive parents. And that is how extra photos and information about some children gets around cyberspace. Real names are not generally used. All children listed with Reece's Rainbow (and most other organizations) are referred to by pseudonyms. So, Carolina was not actually given the name of 2 American states by her birth mother.
Now that I have explained how this works a little bit, I will share what I know. I know that Carolina spent her first nearly 4 years in an excellent orphanage. Although it was not a family, she was loved by her caregivers and by her director. She was well-nourished and hydrated, as you can see by her picture, taken when she was 3 years old. Her description on Reece's Rainbow says that she wore AFO braces on both legs and that she could walk. We also know and can see in her picture that she has strabismus (crossed eyes). I was blessed to receive a document from a blog reader with a narrative from another adopted mother who met Carolina while adopting her son. This is what she wrote:
"...I was only able to see Carolina once. It was during one of our visits with our girls. It was raining outside so we had to visit with them in a play area inside. Our baby house has a big brother/big sister program and Carolina was with a "big sister" in the play area. She was swinging on one of those big glider swings and singing. She was a total doll...and so beautiful. She has gorgeous olive skin...curly hair...and one of those mischievous smiles...like I'm about to get into something. She was wearing afo's...but I'm not sure how well she walked. She was a charmer...that's for sure!"
There are no other pictures aside from her baby picture. As you can see, it's not a lot of information. But every detail is exciting to us. We pray that she is well and loved at her new facility. We know she has endured 2 transfers since the above photo was taken. Transfers are brutal for these children. I cannot imagine never having had a family, and being torn from the only caregivers I had ever known and sent to another facility with older children and an established "pecking order." Being a newly transferred child has to be frightening.
I am aware that adoption will mean she is taken from her facility and her country. She will certainly be scared. She will grieve. There is nothing I can do about that fact, But I can ensure that this will be the last time she has to leave everything she knows. We will give her love, proper nourishment, proper medical care and therapies for her cerebral palsy as well as her emotional needs. We will spend every day making sure she knows she is loved, wanted and of infinite worth to our family and to her Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. She will have two brothers and 2 sisters, a mom, a dad, grandparents, aunts and uncles. She will have a church family that will welcome and accept her. She will get to go to school. She will one day have the opportunity to go to college if she so desires. She will not be limited by her disability. She will be adored just like our biological kids.
I wish I had more information to share. I wish I had more pictures. But I waited 9 months to see anything more than grainy ultrasound images of my other 4 kids. I will be patient and wait a few more months to see my newest addition.
If you feel so led, even the smallest donation to our chip in or FSP account gets us closer to our daughter.We also have an Amazon Associates link at the top right of the blog as well as HERE. This costs you nothing extra, but we get a small portion of the sale as an advertising fee. Every cent helps. Sharing our cause helps more than you may know and we are incredibly grateful and humbled by your support.
"...I was only able to see Carolina once. It was during one of our visits with our girls. It was raining outside so we had to visit with them in a play area inside. Our baby house has a big brother/big sister program and Carolina was with a "big sister" in the play area. She was swinging on one of those big glider swings and singing. She was a total doll...and so beautiful. She has gorgeous olive skin...curly hair...and one of those mischievous smiles...like I'm about to get into something. She was wearing afo's...but I'm not sure how well she walked. She was a charmer...that's for sure!"
There are no other pictures aside from her baby picture. As you can see, it's not a lot of information. But every detail is exciting to us. We pray that she is well and loved at her new facility. We know she has endured 2 transfers since the above photo was taken. Transfers are brutal for these children. I cannot imagine never having had a family, and being torn from the only caregivers I had ever known and sent to another facility with older children and an established "pecking order." Being a newly transferred child has to be frightening.
I am aware that adoption will mean she is taken from her facility and her country. She will certainly be scared. She will grieve. There is nothing I can do about that fact, But I can ensure that this will be the last time she has to leave everything she knows. We will give her love, proper nourishment, proper medical care and therapies for her cerebral palsy as well as her emotional needs. We will spend every day making sure she knows she is loved, wanted and of infinite worth to our family and to her Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. She will have two brothers and 2 sisters, a mom, a dad, grandparents, aunts and uncles. She will have a church family that will welcome and accept her. She will get to go to school. She will one day have the opportunity to go to college if she so desires. She will not be limited by her disability. She will be adored just like our biological kids.
I wish I had more information to share. I wish I had more pictures. But I waited 9 months to see anything more than grainy ultrasound images of my other 4 kids. I will be patient and wait a few more months to see my newest addition.
If you feel so led, even the smallest donation to our chip in or FSP account gets us closer to our daughter.We also have an Amazon Associates link at the top right of the blog as well as HERE. This costs you nothing extra, but we get a small portion of the sale as an advertising fee. Every cent helps. Sharing our cause helps more than you may know and we are incredibly grateful and humbled by your support.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
In Honor of Henry...
Today the world lost a little light. Today a precious heart stopped and a family was left behind to grieve. Precious Henry Dobrovits passed away today at the age of two. His family fought long and hard to bring him home just last year.
Henry had a very rare condition called Larsen Syndrome and was doing very well in his loving family. A few weeks ago, Henry had VEPTR rods placed. He developed an infection around the rods and was readmitted earlier this week. Today, sweet Henry suddenly crashed, was revived, and crashed again. This time, there was nothing that could be done. Henry's mother, Carla helped me press on when we were struggling with everything breaking during our commitment process. I do not think she realizes how influential she has been and how much her story inspires those around her. To read about Henry and his family's journey to rescue him, check out Bringing Henry Home.
Right now, the Dobrovits family needs prayer and lots of it. Please say a quick prayer for their comfort and healing at this time. They know Henry is in a perfect place, but their hearts are broken because he could not stay here with them.
The Reece's Rainbow community is obviously very heartbroken for the Dobrovits family. Everyone is praying, yet wishing there was something tangible we could do to honor Henry. One lady suggested donating to another Reece's Rainbow child with Larsen Syndrome in honor of Henry. I love this idea. There is one child listed who has Larsen Syndrome, and the family is in country right now and still in need of funds. The Basas Family is adopting sweet Delilah who has Larsen Syndrome like Henry and while there, they added Brett who has Cerebral Palsy. Please consider donating to the Basas Family in honor of Henry. We can't do much to ease the pain of the Dobrovits family, but we can do this.
I have just started a local fundraiser for our adoption of Carolina, but I would like to help the Basas family in honor of Henry. As incentive for my blog followers, the first 5 people to donate $10 or more to the Basas Family FSP and email me their receipt, will receive a dozen chocolate Buckeyes from me. Lower 48 U.S. States only.
(Image from Google)
Give $10, help honor the memory of a child, help bring another 2 children home, and indulge in chocolatey peanut butter goodness.
Henry had a very rare condition called Larsen Syndrome and was doing very well in his loving family. A few weeks ago, Henry had VEPTR rods placed. He developed an infection around the rods and was readmitted earlier this week. Today, sweet Henry suddenly crashed, was revived, and crashed again. This time, there was nothing that could be done. Henry's mother, Carla helped me press on when we were struggling with everything breaking during our commitment process. I do not think she realizes how influential she has been and how much her story inspires those around her. To read about Henry and his family's journey to rescue him, check out Bringing Henry Home.
Right now, the Dobrovits family needs prayer and lots of it. Please say a quick prayer for their comfort and healing at this time. They know Henry is in a perfect place, but their hearts are broken because he could not stay here with them.
The Reece's Rainbow community is obviously very heartbroken for the Dobrovits family. Everyone is praying, yet wishing there was something tangible we could do to honor Henry. One lady suggested donating to another Reece's Rainbow child with Larsen Syndrome in honor of Henry. I love this idea. There is one child listed who has Larsen Syndrome, and the family is in country right now and still in need of funds. The Basas Family is adopting sweet Delilah who has Larsen Syndrome like Henry and while there, they added Brett who has Cerebral Palsy. Please consider donating to the Basas Family in honor of Henry. We can't do much to ease the pain of the Dobrovits family, but we can do this.
(Image from Google)
Give $10, help honor the memory of a child, help bring another 2 children home, and indulge in chocolatey peanut butter goodness.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Thanksgiving...
Here in the United States, today is a holiday. It is a day we set aside to eat large amounts of delicious, homemade foods and give thanks to our Lord and Creator for the abundance in our lives. My family will be loading up and driving to my grandmother's house where we will feast with her, aunts and uncles, brothers, sisters, parents and cousins. Grandma's basement will have several tables lined up into one long table. In recent years, Grandma has decided she doesn't enjoy the turkey leftovers and has just made ham and chicken and noodles. Not this year. I will be bringing a turkey breast because it's just not Thanksgiving without turkey! We will feast on homemade rolls, baked macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes, chicken & noodles, deviled eggs, salads, sugar cream pie and pumpkin pie....with sorghum on it! I know some people feel whipped cream is the topper of choice for pumpkin pie, but I am here to assure you that sorghum is better! (Think molasses only sweeter and without the bitter bite.)
After scarfing down their plates of food, the men will head upstairs to watch the football game on television. Actually, that is what they say they will do, but most of them will be asleep within ten minutes. The kids will hurry and eat so they can get back to playing with all the cool toys Grandma keeps (many of which my brothers and I played with as children when we went there). The boys will surely have a "battle" going with the wooden guns my late grandfather made for my brothers. The girls will likely join in for a bit and then move on to their own "house" style games. And the women...we have the best time. We stay at the table talking for hours, and of course, continue eating those lovely pies and desserts. It's a wonderful time. We are spread across 4 states and don't get to see each other often, so the Holidays are all the more special to us.
I am thankful for the land in which I live. I am thankful for my faith and the freedom I have to practice it. I am thankful for my immediate and extended family. I am thankful for the friends I have all over this great nation and the world. I am thankful for a home that keeps us sheltered from the elements. I am thankful for wonderful medical care that is readily available. I did nothing to deserve all of these things, yet I have them because I was born here. Not everyone is so fortunate.
Somewhere in Eastern Europe, a six year old girl is going about her day. Just the same as any other day. Her meager meals are the same as they are any other day. Perhaps a watery porridge for breakfast, maybe a potato soup for lunch and dinner...maybe with a tiny bit of bread if she is lucky. Perhaps she is able to walk...perhaps she cannot and must rely on others to help her. And there she sits and waits, day in and day out. I wonder, what are her dreams? Does she dare to have any? Does she get to go outside of the institution walls? Do her caretakers treat her as a person or as an inanimate object? Does she want a family? Does she dare to hope? Is she warm? Is she sick? Does she get proper care if she is?
Little "Carolina" has no idea that a family is coming for her. She has no idea how many people have prayed for her over the years. How I long for the day I can wrap my arms around her and tell her she is loved by so many! I desperately desire to show her that she is of infinite worth and importance. And next year - God willing - she will spend Thanksgiving eating turkey, ham, chicken & noodles, rolls, veggies, mashed potatoes and pie...and being adored by her family.
Remember to be thankful this Thanksgiving. Whether your gathering is large or small, at home or far away, we are all blessed beyond measure.
In Gratitude,
Michelle
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Some thoughts...
The past couple of weeks have been quite interesting around here. Obviously, committing to Carolina has started some major rearranging of the house. We are still bouncing ideas around, but the plan is coming into place rather well.
It's hard to explain the feelings associated with the adoption process. I suppose, in many ways, it is not unlike being pregnant. Each time I have realized I was pregnant, there was an initial shock. This time there was sort of an, "Oh my goodness, here we go!" kind of feeling. Like the start of a roller coaster. It's scary and thrilling and so wonderful all rolled into one. But there is another feeling that I hadn't expected. When I am pregnant, I have the little "mantra" going in the back of my mind, no matter what else I happen to be doing. This mantra says, "I'm pregnant, I'm pregnant, I'm pregnant." There is no time when that baby is not somewhere on my mind and so I make all decisions with his/her best interest in mind. I am not carrying a child inside of me right now, but I am feeling those same feelings. All future plans have our new daughter in them. I think of her as we're preparing to celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas. My heart aches that she has never known either.
Someone once said "Being a mother is making a choice to allow your heart to walk around outside of your body." This is very true. I feel like an invisible force binds my heart to each of my kids. This week, that force stretched an ocean. Though we've never met, Carolina is in my heart. I wonder as I am going to bed at night whether she is up for the day. I wonder if she is talked to, or if anyone notices her at all. I wonder if she can get around on her own. I wonder if she's being fed and if she has warm clothes and blankets and heat. These are not guarantees in Eastern Europe the way they are here.
With all of these new feelings and emotions, it is hard to answer questions objectively, but it is even harder to take criticism of our decision. Thus far, I have done well, but it isn't easy...hence the reason I am up writing at 3am and not in bed.
Last week, my husband spoke at church. He doesn't enjoy being asked to speak in front of the entire congregation, but he did it. He spoke about our experience that led us to commit to Carolina. This was the first time that most of our church heard of our plans to adopt. To say people were shocked was an understatement, but we have another adoptive family who has been a wonderful example, so most were pretty excited for us.
But our closest friends were not.
My family is not.
It makes life very hard because the people we are closest to in the world are pulling away from us. I do not believe any of this will be permanent. We continue to spend time with our friends and we talk about it. They ask questions, we answer. As for my family, they will come around. But I guess I was having a really hard time this week with my family and friends avoiding normal, non-adoption conversation with me because of our decision. Why are they being this way? Here are some reasons I have come up with....come....psychoanalyze with me;)
1.) Fear for our safety. This is a big one. Friends and especially family fear us heading to an Eastern European nation where we know no one and do not speak the language.
Why are we not afraid? Because we are not truly "alone." There are people in country ready to assist us 24/7. They make the arrangements for our lodging and ensure it is a safe place. They help us get from place to place. It is their job and they are quite good at it according to the other families who have used them...so why worry? Will it be tough to communicate? Yes. But that is not an impossible hurdle and will give us a little first-hand experience of what our daughter will feel like when she first comes home.
2.) Feeling guilty or judged.
This is probably the biggest issue. If there was one thing I could say to people who do not feel called to adopt, it would be, "That's ok!" I think sometimes people feel that those who adopt look down on those who don't. That could not be further from the truth, at least for me. Everyone in our faith is called to "care for the widows and the orphans" but NOT everyone is called to adopt. Not everyone can adopt due to rules and regulations. Not everyone SHOULD adopt due to dynamics and other reasons. It does not make your personal mission any less valuable just because OURS is different. We all find ways to serve and do good in the world (all who want to anyway) and one person's good is not better than another person's good. There are plenty of ways to serve our fellow man and to ease human suffering besides adoption. We all are to do what WE can do. Our best is not measured against someone else's. What is good for me might be terrible for your family, so please, don't think that an excited adoptive family is somehow looking down on you for not adopting...we're not.
3.) Worry for our biological kids.
All I can say here is that my biological kids have adjusted just fine to each new sibling. I have no reason to suspect that they will not again rise to the occasion and welcome their new sister. They will miss us while we are in country, but I know they will be in good hands. Daddy will not stay the entire time, so he can be back with the kids and keep them in their routine as much as possible. My biological kids are quite excited about this. Of course, one wishes he could travel with us and that just won't be possible, but he'll get over that. As for issues once home, there is just no way to know what it will bring. But we are well-researched on the topic and we have many resources available to help aid us in the transition.
4.) Different viewpoints
This is kind of vague so let me just put it this way. When I explained the way children were left to starve...or nearly starve for years on end in cribs simply because they had an extra chromosome or other difference that made them "undesirable" in their country, I related a story. The story was of a little boy who died waiting for a family. The medical treatments available in the U.S. would have saved his life, but his orphanage director would not let him be adopted unless someone who was the "right" denomination adopted him. 1 Catholic Family, 1 LDS family and 2 non-Christian families wanted this child, but they were not deemed good enough, and the child died. I found that to be horrible. I find it horrible when kids waste away in cribs...teenagers who still look like babies from lack of nourishment. And when I relate these stories with all the passion I have, I am met with a blank stare and a shrug. And what comes next just blows my mind, "Well, better for the child to die and be with the Savior. They have a straight shot to heaven."
WOW! REALLY?! I agree that yes, the child is in heaven and will not suffer anymore, but how awful to think it better to let a child die that way...slowly, painfully, alone and unwanted. It won't affect where the child's soul goes, but what will that attitude do to our souls? Think about it. "Inasmuch as ye have done it unto the least of these...ye have done it unto me." These are the words of Jesus Christ, whom these people and I worship as Lord and Savior.
Do we forget that the Savior expects His people to care for "the least of these" as we would for Him? And do we forget that NOT doing those things is as though Christ came before us and we did NOT help Him?
No, not everyone should adopt. But everyone CAN do something. Christians of all denominations not only CAN but are COMMANDED to do something. Adoption is ONE thing people can do. Helping those in process is another thing people CAN do. Donating to charities that aid orphans is also something people CAN do. Aiding people who are down-trodden in ANY way is something people CAN do.
Being anything less than supportive of any of these efforts is a great way to land on the wrong side of "ye have done it unto me."
And thus concludes my late night thoughts.
It's hard to explain the feelings associated with the adoption process. I suppose, in many ways, it is not unlike being pregnant. Each time I have realized I was pregnant, there was an initial shock. This time there was sort of an, "Oh my goodness, here we go!" kind of feeling. Like the start of a roller coaster. It's scary and thrilling and so wonderful all rolled into one. But there is another feeling that I hadn't expected. When I am pregnant, I have the little "mantra" going in the back of my mind, no matter what else I happen to be doing. This mantra says, "I'm pregnant, I'm pregnant, I'm pregnant." There is no time when that baby is not somewhere on my mind and so I make all decisions with his/her best interest in mind. I am not carrying a child inside of me right now, but I am feeling those same feelings. All future plans have our new daughter in them. I think of her as we're preparing to celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas. My heart aches that she has never known either.
Someone once said "Being a mother is making a choice to allow your heart to walk around outside of your body." This is very true. I feel like an invisible force binds my heart to each of my kids. This week, that force stretched an ocean. Though we've never met, Carolina is in my heart. I wonder as I am going to bed at night whether she is up for the day. I wonder if she is talked to, or if anyone notices her at all. I wonder if she can get around on her own. I wonder if she's being fed and if she has warm clothes and blankets and heat. These are not guarantees in Eastern Europe the way they are here.
With all of these new feelings and emotions, it is hard to answer questions objectively, but it is even harder to take criticism of our decision. Thus far, I have done well, but it isn't easy...hence the reason I am up writing at 3am and not in bed.
Last week, my husband spoke at church. He doesn't enjoy being asked to speak in front of the entire congregation, but he did it. He spoke about our experience that led us to commit to Carolina. This was the first time that most of our church heard of our plans to adopt. To say people were shocked was an understatement, but we have another adoptive family who has been a wonderful example, so most were pretty excited for us.
But our closest friends were not.
My family is not.
It makes life very hard because the people we are closest to in the world are pulling away from us. I do not believe any of this will be permanent. We continue to spend time with our friends and we talk about it. They ask questions, we answer. As for my family, they will come around. But I guess I was having a really hard time this week with my family and friends avoiding normal, non-adoption conversation with me because of our decision. Why are they being this way? Here are some reasons I have come up with....come....psychoanalyze with me;)
1.) Fear for our safety. This is a big one. Friends and especially family fear us heading to an Eastern European nation where we know no one and do not speak the language.
Why are we not afraid? Because we are not truly "alone." There are people in country ready to assist us 24/7. They make the arrangements for our lodging and ensure it is a safe place. They help us get from place to place. It is their job and they are quite good at it according to the other families who have used them...so why worry? Will it be tough to communicate? Yes. But that is not an impossible hurdle and will give us a little first-hand experience of what our daughter will feel like when she first comes home.
2.) Feeling guilty or judged.
This is probably the biggest issue. If there was one thing I could say to people who do not feel called to adopt, it would be, "That's ok!" I think sometimes people feel that those who adopt look down on those who don't. That could not be further from the truth, at least for me. Everyone in our faith is called to "care for the widows and the orphans" but NOT everyone is called to adopt. Not everyone can adopt due to rules and regulations. Not everyone SHOULD adopt due to dynamics and other reasons. It does not make your personal mission any less valuable just because OURS is different. We all find ways to serve and do good in the world (all who want to anyway) and one person's good is not better than another person's good. There are plenty of ways to serve our fellow man and to ease human suffering besides adoption. We all are to do what WE can do. Our best is not measured against someone else's. What is good for me might be terrible for your family, so please, don't think that an excited adoptive family is somehow looking down on you for not adopting...we're not.
3.) Worry for our biological kids.
All I can say here is that my biological kids have adjusted just fine to each new sibling. I have no reason to suspect that they will not again rise to the occasion and welcome their new sister. They will miss us while we are in country, but I know they will be in good hands. Daddy will not stay the entire time, so he can be back with the kids and keep them in their routine as much as possible. My biological kids are quite excited about this. Of course, one wishes he could travel with us and that just won't be possible, but he'll get over that. As for issues once home, there is just no way to know what it will bring. But we are well-researched on the topic and we have many resources available to help aid us in the transition.
4.) Different viewpoints
This is kind of vague so let me just put it this way. When I explained the way children were left to starve...or nearly starve for years on end in cribs simply because they had an extra chromosome or other difference that made them "undesirable" in their country, I related a story. The story was of a little boy who died waiting for a family. The medical treatments available in the U.S. would have saved his life, but his orphanage director would not let him be adopted unless someone who was the "right" denomination adopted him. 1 Catholic Family, 1 LDS family and 2 non-Christian families wanted this child, but they were not deemed good enough, and the child died. I found that to be horrible. I find it horrible when kids waste away in cribs...teenagers who still look like babies from lack of nourishment. And when I relate these stories with all the passion I have, I am met with a blank stare and a shrug. And what comes next just blows my mind, "Well, better for the child to die and be with the Savior. They have a straight shot to heaven."
WOW! REALLY?! I agree that yes, the child is in heaven and will not suffer anymore, but how awful to think it better to let a child die that way...slowly, painfully, alone and unwanted. It won't affect where the child's soul goes, but what will that attitude do to our souls? Think about it. "Inasmuch as ye have done it unto the least of these...ye have done it unto me." These are the words of Jesus Christ, whom these people and I worship as Lord and Savior.
Do we forget that the Savior expects His people to care for "the least of these" as we would for Him? And do we forget that NOT doing those things is as though Christ came before us and we did NOT help Him?
No, not everyone should adopt. But everyone CAN do something. Christians of all denominations not only CAN but are COMMANDED to do something. Adoption is ONE thing people can do. Helping those in process is another thing people CAN do. Donating to charities that aid orphans is also something people CAN do. Aiding people who are down-trodden in ANY way is something people CAN do.
Being anything less than supportive of any of these efforts is a great way to land on the wrong side of "ye have done it unto me."
And thus concludes my late night thoughts.
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